The Swazi Express Tour

Well hello!! It's been a while, no?

Naturally, you've all been missing my tales, yet are too bashful to freely admit it - don't worry, you're welcome here - show your adoration ;-)

Well, it truly has been a while hasn't it? And if it hasn't for you - it has been for us! We've travelled bloody miles and done LOADS since i last updated you way back in St. Lucia. Owing to this hectic schedule (being in demand with EVERYONE we meet - we're hot property), i've not had time to update all you lovely ladies (and guys) on my progress... so let's re-commence the love session!

I think i left you with the thought of us being eaten by hippos or crocodiles... thus my absence may have led you to believe this fate had awaited me. Well, rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated to coin a well-worn phrase. The hippos are WAY too concerned with sitting in the water and yawning to be any threat to us. A crying shame. Still, we got a fair few decent photos of them doing what they do best... being lazy. It was the whole reason that we went to St. Lucia, so at least we weren't disappointed in that respect. Also met some top people - a Canadian dude called John, and some English girl called Michelle. Both were sound, though the latter REALLY loved the sound of her own voice - yes, even more than me. Two wrongs clearly don't make a right! Still, we had a good laugh, so all was well, and yes - the drink did flow, as per usual. Man, i'm going to need to go straight edge when i'm back to counter out all the drink!

So... St. Lucia comes, St. Lucia goes. And the next stop on our whirlwind tour of the lower part of this continent is an entirely new country! Yep - Swaziland. I can't say that crossing the border was a spiritual event. For instance... when you cross into Scotland do you instantly see men clad in kilts, shooting up on heroin, whilst eating deep fried everything? Or when you go to Wales do you see a man with his trousers around his ankles getting all cozy with Dolly the sheep?? Well, ofcourse you do, in both instances... but Swaziland isn't like those countries - one side mirrored the other. Except for the stupid money - which is essentially worthless once we leave the country! So it's spend spend spend! We're rockin' through this country like a couple of mack daddys... well... almost.

What stories do i have to tell so far? Well, our hostel is... unique... to say the least. Up until midday today we had NO running water / flushing toilets... and our company was two people off the bus from the UK who were the most antisocial couple going. Both very "ra" if you know what i mean... sure i'll encounter more at Cambridge, but oh well! The sticking point is that we all went out to dinner (after the hostel owner warned us it was dangerous to go out after dark... probably due to werewolves and vampires, i'm sure), and THEY requested a table for two... psh!! How can one not want to dine with me at the table?! Surely it MAKES a holiday!? Actually, there's no surely about it - it does make a holiday. Just a ruined one.

Post-dinner, it was just settle down time, as we're in the middle of nowhere out here. Hell, we can't even telephone out of the country due to "terrorist threats" - i, like you, had no idea that Swaziland was part of the Axis of Evil to coin an ex-President... crazy!! I think people here aren't wealthy enough to construct bombs... and the fact that the country is predominantly Christian dumbfounds me even more. Jeez, every radio station this morning had a preaching hour so you could learn about the word of Jesus and God. Spiritual! Alas, i'm getting sidetracked again, and time is of the essence... with the sun quickly setting and the vampires stirring from their shanty towns.

Today was much more action packed - we woke up retardedly early to go off to the Swazi Cultural Village - we walked there.... walked about 100m from the entrance, walked back... found out we were in the wrong place... and walked back to the village. We've covered a lot of ground today! All essentially the same ground, but ground nevertheless! Why did we go there? Well, for a bit of culture, which has been lacking up til present. We saw the traditional huts and met some Swazis. Learnt a lot. For instance - women shouldn't be allowed to eat cow brain lest the become smarter than man, hooves lest they run away, nor tongue lest they talk back to their man. Now THAT's a system we can all look up to haha. Although i don't fancy those bits of cow to be fair. Sounds whack.

We also got a good dance routine too, with all the guys and gals kitted out in traditional garb which was awesome. Hell, Vijay felt so overcame with joy he got up and danced a merry jig. Either that, or one of the ladies asked him up. Still, the photo makes out he was very happy! Got to say... couple of those ladies.... verrrrry nice. Oh, and the guys were stacked, as you'd expect. Muscle envy sets in once again!

The rest of the day has been spent walking up and down the many many craft stalls in Swaziland to fill our backpacks to the brim. I love the whole haggling game... and some of the outrageous lies the vendors will spin to make you a sale. One guy made us believe he'd carved all the ornaments in one section by hand... yet we saw replicas EVERYWHERE afterwards. Either he's a trendsetter... or he was stretching the truth somewhat. Regardless, they're pretty kick ass carvings!

So, what next? Tomorrow, we're catching a taxi (yes, a taxi) for a 4 hour trip to our lodge outside of Johannesburg ready for our safari that'll depart on Saturday morning (my birthday... where i'll reach the old(er) age of 24... fun times!). I don't know whether i'll be updating you again before i get back from safari on 22nd/23rd September... but check back, you might be lucky. I'm the gift that keeps on giving... especially for you. So, take care folks - and i'll catch you all when i re-enter South Africa, and hopefully when i've had my glut of the "Big Five" whilst out on safari.

Much love,

Aaron x